How To Survive the Zombiepocalypse

Last night, I had a dream that involved me saving Miley Cyrus from the Zombiepocalypse. Now, I'm not sure why I saved her. That simply goes against all of my rules, as well as a number of the Zombieland rules, not to mention, Cyrus is not very high on my list of celebrities to save.

I will risk my life for Kevin Spacey. That is all*.

But, the dream got me thinking... I've blogged about the zombiepocalypse before, but I don't know that I've ever blogged about how to survive it... mostly because, I don't want my Zombiepocalypse Escape Plan (ZPEP) to be public knowledge, lest any of my readers get infected.

But, I will do this much... with the help of the Zombie Survival Guide's Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack, as well as a few of the Zombieland rules, I will provide you, my reader, with a guideline to create your very own ZPEP.

Basically, I will be supplying you with the Zombie Survival Guides 10 rules of surviving a Zombie attack, seeing as they're the exact same as mine, as well as adding a few Zombieland rules. Each of the ten ZSG rules will be accompanied by an explanation by yours truly. After that, it's up to you. *points* Ladies and Gentlemen, this is

Lesson #2: They show no fear... why should you?

Buck up little soldier! Stiffen up that upper lip! It's the zombiepocalypse, and frankly, we just don't have time for your pitiful emotions. Cry on your own time! There's no room for fear! The more prepared you are, the less fear you'll have. You wanna pee your pants? You're on your own. Wanna cry like a little girl instead of fight zombies like you should? Be my guest... but don't come running to me when your Aunt Sally is gnawing on your calf. You are fighting an opponent that knows one thing, and one thing only: its unquenchable desire for brains/human flesh. It knows nothing else, so train yourself to be a zombie of sorts... teach yourself to have an unquenchable desire for dead zombies. Spend your free time practicing how to kill them, spend your zombie fighting time applying what you've practiced. Fill your dreams with zombie slaying goodness. If you immerse yourself in the art of zombie killing, you won't have time for fear. Because fear is stupid... and we don't want you to be stupid.

Lesson #3: Use your head: Cut of theirs.

Rule #2 of Zombieland is the "double-tap". Shoot a zombie once, knock it down, shoot it again in the head to make sure. However, the double tap isn't necessary if you go with a good ole fashioned zombie beheading. Zombies like brains. Why? Because without them, they can't survive. So, cut off their head. Destroy their brain AND get rid of the thing they use to devour more. When it comes down to it, a beheading is always the better choice over shooting a zombie. Always. If not for one simple reason.

Lesson #4: Blades don't need reloading.

It's just that easy. Don't get me wrong, guns are great, especially if you're facing down a zombie horde. And, in a post apocalyptic world, ammo is probably easier to get ahold of than it is presently... if the stuck up store owner isn't a zombie, he's a bag if he denies you pick of his store. You're saving the world, aren't you? (Don't actually try to save the world, though. Zombieland rule #17: Don't be a Hero. Worry about you)

But ammo won't always be there. Eventually, like twinkies, it'll run out. And unless you know how to make more, you're plum out of luck. Blades don't use ammo, you just swing them. It's always best to keep a plethera of knives handy... though not on your person. Zombieland rule #7: Travel light

Lesson #5: Ideal protection = tight clothes + short hair.

How many people in those movies end up dead because part of their favorite baggy hoodie that they had no business wearing got caught on a fence it had no business catching on? Like cold weather, or rain, or the beach, you need to dress for the occassion. If a ton of brain hungry undead creatures are chasing you, the last thing you need to give them is something to grab onto. Ponytails are nice, but idealy, you just wanna cut it short. Don't give them the chance. Nothing is worse than thinking you're home free, only to have a zombie grab your hair and yank you off that stair case. Don't let them do that. Wear tight clothes. Cut your hair short. And, of course,

Lesson #6: Get up the staircase, THEN DESTROY IT.

Do not, do not, DO. NOT. Give a zombie a chance to follow you. They know how to follow you, it's all they do, unless they're chomping on your brain. You needn't help them. In any situation, if you have a chance to block your path, go for it. Make it as hard as possible for them to proceed. Thinking you might need to use that path again? Absolutely not. You never back track, you keep moving forward. Zombies have a hard time climbing over things, so do your best to make their unlives as miserable as possible. And do NOT clear a huge space so you can drive on a street. A cluttered street is a godsend.

Lesson #7: Get out of the car, get on the bike.

First off, cars need gas. Second, they're huge. If you're skilled with it, and plan on using it as a zombie killing machine, then by all means, try your luck. But, in terms of getting away, a bike is always better. It's powered by you and it's slim. Tear through the streets as the zombies hobble after you, meeting obstacle after obstacle.Plus, it's great exercise, which adheres to Zombieland rule #1: Cardio. And the best thing: they're quiet, they aren't huge, they're fast, and there's nothing to impede your ability to hear the wrold around. Which is perfect, because you always want to

Lesson #8: Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, and keep alert!

Zombies are stupid. It's just a simple fact. They're stupid. Thus, they're pretty easy to fool... however, they have this funny way of somehow still sneaking up on you. Keep yourself on your toes... but be sure to stay low. Use everything you can as cover. Don't let them see you, and certainly do not let them hear you. Sneaking is highly recommended, as well as staying away from car alarms and metal trashcans. And no matter what, keep moving. Do not stay in the same place for too long, even if you think it to be safe, because I guarantee you, it isn't.

Lesson #9: No place is safe, only safer.

It's true. Hiding in the confessional in a desserted church is less treacherous than standing in the open in the middle of a zombie horde, but neither place is safe. One is safer than the other, but no place is completely safe. No place. I cannot stress that enough.... no place is completely safe. Even if you clear it of zombies, it is not safe.

Lesson #10: The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

No one wakes up one morning and just decides to be a zombie. It's not a lifestyle choice, or a race or ethnicity... it's a disease. Zombeism is an infection, and infections spread. Just because you've killed one zombie doesn't mean you've kill them all. Like Columbus said, It's a marathon, not a sprint. You aren't looking to win the little battles, you want to win the war. Don't get cocky because you won a battle. Don't think you're something amazing because you survived one horde swarm. That's how things get bad.

That's how people die.

However, I do need to throw in Zombieland rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

It's the Zombiepocalypse. You're probably alone. If you have the chance to experience one of life's small pleasures, go for it. It may be one of the only pleasant memories you have of the incident.

So, there you have it. Keep these things in mind when you construct your ZPEP, and you may survive the Zombiepocalypse yet.

Remember, Buckle up, Limber up, and know your way out.

Happy hunting!






*I would risk my life for Karl Urban, but he's a pretty sufficient zombie slayer himself, so I know I need not worry.