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How To Survive the Zombiepocalypse

Last night, I had a dream that involved me saving Miley Cyrus from the Zombiepocalypse. Now, I'm not sure why I saved her. That simply goes against all of my rules, as well as a number of the Zombieland rules, not to mention, Cyrus is not very high on my list of celebrities to save.

I will risk my life for Kevin Spacey. That is all*.

But, the dream got me thinking... I've blogged about the zombiepocalypse before, but I don't know that I've ever blogged about how to survive it... mostly because, I don't want my Zombiepocalypse Escape Plan (ZPEP) to be public knowledge, lest any of my readers get infected.

But, I will do this much... with the help of the Zombie Survival Guide's Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack, as well as a few of the Zombieland rules, I will provide you, my reader, with a guideline to create your very own ZPEP.

Basically, I will be supplying you with the Zombie Survival Guides 10 rules of surviving a Zombie attack, seeing as they're the exact same as mine, as well as adding a few Zombieland rules. Each of the ten ZSG rules will be accompanied by an explanation by yours truly. After that, it's up to you. *points* Ladies and Gentlemen, this is

HOW TO SURVIVE THE ZOMBIEPOCALYPSE

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that will survive the Zombiepocalypse, and those that will become zombies/zombie chow.

Don't know which one you are? Well, there's an easy way to tell. Perhaps you've played the video games, seen the movies, read the books... you know all there is to know about zombies, and you think you're ready. Or maybe all you know is, they catch fire easily, and boy howdy do they burn. It doesn't matter how much experience you have with movies or games or books... or fire, for that matter. No, the thing that decides whether you kill or get killed, whether you live or (un)die, is whether or not you have a plan.

Did George Washington's boys row across the Delaware so he could wing it? Did William Wallace lead his men into battle to see what would happen? Did Jim Kirk ever tell Scotty to dump the warp core and hope it would help?

Okay... the last one is yes. But the other two are both big, fat "NO"s. Behind every great leader is a great plan and every great war is won with one.

Lesson #1: Organize before they rise!

Did you catch that? Before they rise. Let me say it again. Before they rise. If you're warned that a hurricane is coming, or there's going to be a nuclear war, would you wait until after the threat is realized to start preparing? No. Why should the zombiepocalypse be any different? Work on your plan now. Learn your town, it's weaknesses and strong points. Find good places for hideouts/strongholds. Stock up on supplies. It's never too early to prepare for the end of the world, so get crackin'! I guarantee zombies will not wait for you to decide your course of action before they try to chomp on your brain. And you need a course of action. Emotions to readily get in the way of logical thought. If you wait too long, your plan won't see the light of day. Your opponent, however, is brainless, which means he's illogical and has no fear. He can run into any situation without a care in the world.

Lesson #2: They show no fear... why should you?

Buck up little soldier! Stiffen up that upper lip! It's the zombiepocalypse, and frankly, we just don't have time for your pitiful emotions. Cry on your own time! There's no room for fear! The more prepared you are, the less fear you'll have. You wanna pee your pants? You're on your own. Wanna cry like a little girl instead of fight zombies like you should? Be my guest... but don't come running to me when your Aunt Sally is gnawing on your calf. You are fighting an opponent that knows one thing, and one thing only: its unquenchable desire for brains/human flesh. It knows nothing else, so train yourself to be a zombie of sorts... teach yourself to have an unquenchable desire for dead zombies. Spend your free time practicing how to kill them, spend your zombie fighting time applying what you've practiced. Fill your dreams with zombie slaying goodness. If you immerse yourself in the art of zombie killing, you won't have time for fear. Because fear is stupid... and we don't want you to be stupid.

Lesson #3: Use your head: Cut of theirs.

Rule #2 of Zombieland is the "double-tap". Shoot a zombie once, knock it down, shoot it again in the head to make sure. However, the double tap isn't necessary if you go with a good ole fashioned zombie beheading. Zombies like brains. Why? Because without them, they can't survive. So, cut off their head. Destroy their brain AND get rid of the thing they use to devour more. When it comes down to it, a beheading is always the better choice over shooting a zombie. Always. If not for one simple reason.

Lesson #4: Blades don't need reloading.

It's just that easy. Don't get me wrong, guns are great, especially if you're facing down a zombie horde. And, in a post apocalyptic world, ammo is probably easier to get ahold of than it is presently... if the stuck up store owner isn't a zombie, he's a bag if he denies you pick of his store. You're saving the world, aren't you? (Don't actually try to save the world, though. Zombieland rule #17: Don't be a Hero. Worry about you)

But ammo won't always be there. Eventually, like twinkies, it'll run out. And unless you know how to make more, you're plum out of luck. Blades don't use ammo, you just swing them. It's always best to keep a plethera of knives handy... though not on your person. Zombieland rule #7: Travel light

Lesson #5: Ideal protection = tight clothes + short hair.

How many people in those movies end up dead because part of their favorite baggy hoodie that they had no business wearing got caught on a fence it had no business catching on? Like cold weather, or rain, or the beach, you need to dress for the occassion. If a ton of brain hungry undead creatures are chasing you, the last thing you need to give them is something to grab onto. Ponytails are nice, but idealy, you just wanna cut it short. Don't give them the chance. Nothing is worse than thinking you're home free, only to have a zombie grab your hair and yank you off that stair case. Don't let them do that. Wear tight clothes. Cut your hair short. And, of course,

Lesson #6: Get up the staircase, THEN DESTROY IT.

Do not, do not, DO. NOT. Give a zombie a chance to follow you. They know how to follow you, it's all they do, unless they're chomping on your brain. You needn't help them. In any situation, if you have a chance to block your path, go for it. Make it as hard as possible for them to proceed. Thinking you might need to use that path again? Absolutely not. You never back track, you keep moving forward. Zombies have a hard time climbing over things, so do your best to make their unlives as miserable as possible. And do NOT clear a huge space so you can drive on a street. A cluttered street is a godsend.

Lesson #7: Get out of the car, get on the bike.

First off, cars need gas. Second, they're huge. If you're skilled with it, and plan on using it as a zombie killing machine, then by all means, try your luck. But, in terms of getting away, a bike is always better. It's powered by you and it's slim. Tear through the streets as the zombies hobble after you, meeting obstacle after obstacle.Plus, it's great exercise, which adheres to Zombieland rule #1: Cardio. And the best thing: they're quiet, they aren't huge, they're fast, and there's nothing to impede your ability to hear the wrold around. Which is perfect, because you always want to

Lesson #8: Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, and keep alert!

Zombies are stupid. It's just a simple fact. They're stupid. Thus, they're pretty easy to fool... however, they have this funny way of somehow still sneaking up on you. Keep yourself on your toes... but be sure to stay low. Use everything you can as cover. Don't let them see you, and certainly do not let them hear you. Sneaking is highly recommended, as well as staying away from car alarms and metal trashcans. And no matter what, keep moving. Do not stay in the same place for too long, even if you think it to be safe, because I guarantee you, it isn't.

Lesson #9: No place is safe, only safer.

It's true. Hiding in the confessional in a desserted church is less treacherous than standing in the open in the middle of a zombie horde, but neither place is safe. One is safer than the other, but no place is completely safe. No place. I cannot stress that enough.... no place is completely safe. Even if you clear it of zombies, it is not safe.

Lesson #10: The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

No one wakes up one morning and just decides to be a zombie. It's not a lifestyle choice, or a race or ethnicity... it's a disease. Zombeism is an infection, and infections spread. Just because you've killed one zombie doesn't mean you've kill them all. Like Columbus said, It's a marathon, not a sprint. You aren't looking to win the little battles, you want to win the war. Don't get cocky because you won a battle. Don't think you're something amazing because you survived one horde swarm. That's how things get bad.

That's how people die.

However, I do need to throw in Zombieland rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

It's the Zombiepocalypse. You're probably alone. If you have the chance to experience one of life's small pleasures, go for it. It may be one of the only pleasant memories you have of the incident.

So, there you have it. Keep these things in mind when you construct your ZPEP, and you may survive the Zombiepocalypse yet.

Remember, Buckle up, Limber up, and know your way out.

Happy hunting!






*I would risk my life for Karl Urban, but he's a pretty sufficient zombie slayer himself, so I know I need not worry.

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1 comments:

Stephanie said...

Another note about sneaking around zombies...

Do NOT walk through a metal detector at an airport when you are armed with nice shiny big ass guns...

The alarm WILL go off..

Unless you're like me and do everything possible to make lots of noise to attract more zombies to kill...

Yeap, my teammates are not happy with me. They're all for sneaking but me? I'm like Tallahassee when I kill zombies. I go out of my way to kill more of those flesh eating bastards(plus it's fun to watch their scared crapless faces and listen to their screeches of fear as we get hit by hordes)... and I love getting the highest kill count. XD