No more games ya'll, so whatcha saying? Beat the beatness cuz Lauren ain't playin...

***UPDATE***
I like this ranting thing... it really helps get the creative juices flowing, and helped me really iron out my thoughts. My last paragraph is what I want to point out - I'm glad I said all of this, because I really did need to get it out. It was the only way my thoughts were really going to work themselves out.

2 days ago, I posted a blog from Donnie Wahlberg, and said essentially that I envied his ability to take rumors said about him and flip them, disprove them, and do so in a classy, funny, non-negative way. As I wrote out the last paragraph of today's rant, I realized I had the next best thing to asking Mr. Wahlberg what his secret was - I had his words in No More Games.

That song has been nothing short of my anthem since the wind hit the fan in all of this. I remember when I was sitting, arguing with someone, and the song came on - the opening sentence was what really got me. "No more games is about positivity, and positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart." I LOVE that line. LOVE it. It's like the answer to any problem you have is summed up in those 17 words...

When I first heard it, I took it to mean that being smart, not soft, meant that I shouldn't let anything said to or about me affect me. I needed to be strong, not soft, and just suck it up - deal with what was being said. Don't lash out, don't respond, don't give them the satisfaction, just deal with it... and we know how that worked out. I posted at the end of this "I've tried being soft, but it blew up in my face." Upon further thinking - which was easier to do after I dumped everything out of my head and into this rant - I realized that, maybe it blew up in my face because I was doing it wrong. I mean - I wanted to be able to disarm rumors like Donnie does, and here I am sitting with his response to rumors and critics and naysayers in my ears almost every day! All I had to do was listen and figure out what he was saying. So, I began to look at everything - look at everything he was saying, and finally, really truly took a look at my favorite line.

"Positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart."

And I figured out where I went wrong. I was interpreting it wrong! It didn't mean to lie down, suck it up, and just deal with problems. It was telling me not to fight back... on the contrary, it was telling me TO fight back!

"POSITIVITY IS NOT ABOUT BEING SOFT..."

It's not about sitting down, letting people step on you. It's not about sucking it up and letting people talk about you behind your back. It's not about biting your tongue and just dealing with what people say about you... you shouldn't have to put up with that. No, fight back! It's not about being soft, it's about TAKING A STAND - Jordan just said it and it made sense to me: sometimes you gotsta take a stand.

"IT'S ABOUT BEING SMART."

Fight back, yes, do it! But DON'T fight like a little kid - don't sink to their level. Don't give into personal attacks or cheap shots, don't give into every emotion you have to ring the person's neck, don't let your emotions drive you. Don't be soft about it, don't let something else take control and make you look like an idiot and drop you to their level. NO - be SMART about it. Battle them with wit. Instead of going in, guns blaring, go in with an open mind. Be kind about it, but take everything they've said about you, and one by one, knock it down. Prove it wrong. Show them why what they're saying can't be true. Show them how they're being hypocrits, how what they say about you isn't necessarily about you - show them how they project. Point out the holes in what they're saying. Fight back, but do it smart.

I did that. I finally took a stand. I was a bit emotional at first, but as I thought about that line - positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart - I got more and more stable in my arguments. I began to throw simple fact into their faces, and... what do you know? It worked. I made my point - I cleared my name (at least in that instance) - and I even recieved an apology.

I realize that "winning an argument" online is the equivalent to winning the special olympics, but you know what? A medal's a medal, and the success is JUST as sweet. Not to mention, it's not about winning the argument so much as I finally feel like I've cleared my name. I haven't squashed all the rumors, but I do feel like, having said my piece and handled myself in a rather classy manner, I've put it out there for all to see that half, if not all, the things said about me were false. I may not have completely cleared my name, but I've cleared a bit... and it's given me hope... hope that I can squash these rumors for the most part, and that I can infact come out on top in all of this.

So - keep that in mind. It's not about being soft, it's about being smart. :)

***UPDATE END***

No more games is about POSITIVITY, and positivity is NOT about being soft, it's about bein' smart, you SUCKAS.

Yeah, I'm gonna send this one out to all those bat cavers out there who been tryin' to put us down and KEEP us down for the past five weeks. I'm gonna tell you what - we ain't goin' out like that. You think this is a love song? WRONG. The AP Naysayers are TOO strong...

I'm a very visual person - I like the see things rather than have them described too me, and I enjoy supplying all of you with pictures rather than shoving a long post in your faces and making you read for hours on end. However, I'm afraid that's what's going to happen this time - I'll try to get you all pictures, but I think descriptions are just going to have to work.

I like emoticons - I think they're cute, and they're a great way to show emotion online, where tone can't really be portrayed through text, and throats can get ripped open at the simplest comment simply because someone misunderstood. Animated emoticons are the BEST. I love them! They are simply amazing, and they do SUCH a good job at portraying emotions. There's one in particular that I'm thinking of - it's a little red smilie. He's angry, and he's SLAMMING. HIS HEAD. AGAINST. A BRICK. WALL.

FRUSTRATION.

It's how I feel right now. Well, let me clarify. I do not feel frustrated - I was frustrated 5 weeks ago, when all this started. I was frustrated when the wind really hit the fan, and words were said about my friends. I was EXTREMELY frustrated when people started in on me. THAT was when I was frustrated. But it's been about 5 weeks, probably more, and I'm beyond frustrated. I'm beyond mad. I'm beyond angry.

Quite honestly, I'm PISSED. I've never been so upset... so betrayed... so utterly... completely... I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A WORD. ENRAGED - there we go.... INFURIATED. If I didn't fear how I'd look bald, I'd rip my hair out! Now, when it comes to stuff like this, I'm usually very lax - I'm laid back. I could give a RIP what someone thinks of me. Yeah, it sucks when people don't like you, but I get over it. I have friends, and I'm happy with who I am. Normally, I'll get miffed if people go after my friends, but I'll usually deal with attacks on me. People who are petty enough to attack you are usually easily disarmed with a smile, a kind word, and wit. I'm not the wittiest person in the world - but I'm witty enough. And, like I said, I could give a rip what people say to me, because I'm happy with who I am.

I'm happy with who I am... hmmm... interesting... maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's why I'm so mad - because I'm happy with who I am - and who I am is NOT a SELF SERVING NARCISSISTIC ANTI SEMITE THAT REFUSES TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND BLAME NO MATTER HOW CULPABLE I MAY BE.

Maybe that's why I don't like rumours - or, maybe I don't like rumours because they're STUPID, and Lord knows I HATE stupid things... I hate stupid things almost as much as I hate rumours, but my hate for rumours is seated way down deep in me, and I'll probably never get over it. It's a hate that allows me to put up with people I normally wouldn't put up with, it allows me to feel pity for people whom I normally wouldn't feel sorry for. No one should have to be the victim of a rumour, but more often than not, people are. It's disheartening.

And it's disgusting when it happens to you. It's not fair - it's rude, and it hurts. It's disarming, and it leaves the victim of the rumour with a sense of helplessness... it leaves them to clean up a mess they NEVER should have had to clean up. And why?

Because there are people in this world that get so jealous that they must cause others pain. It's so much worse than simply being called a name - when you're called a name behind your back, it just feels rude... but a rumour - typically, you aren't made aware of a rumour... it's done in a way where you can hear it, so you can get hurt by it, but it's also done in a way where it can fly under the radar. It's not just a name, it's a story, it's a lie, and they're SO HARD to get rid of, especially if you don't know it's going on.

This happened to me recently - the only way I found out is because I have friends who let me know... if it hadn't been for them, I never would have been made aware of the things being said about me - and that thought alone hurts.

See, there have been some problems on a site I'm part of... I talked about it earlier. A word was said, taken the wrong way, and everything was blown out of proportion... I wasn't involved really - I had said my piece on the forums and was going to let it lay at that. But then, I saw a comment on my friend's wall that called her names, and basically told her to "take her best shot." This person's exact words were, "so try to get me to leave." I posted a response to this person - asked her to read up on the issue before getting involved. I did not mean it to be rude, and I did not mean it as anything other than a friendly, hey, this issue is kind of deeper than it looks on the surface, so don't run in unarmed. It was not taken that way - it was taken as a "personal attack" and the person lashed out, and started stuff. I responded as I saw fit... responding to her questions, maybe pointing out a grammar mistake here or there, but not resorting to name calling or anything of the like. I stuck to the rule - a kind word, a smile, and wit.

I learned a lesson that day, and that lesson was: The stupid cannot be unarmed with a smile, a kind word, and wit. The stupid cannot be unarmed because the stupid no not that they are stupid. Normally I would check myself before publicly referring to anyone as "stupid," but I'm done with these people and will hold nothing back, save for their names. I bickered back and forth with this person, more out of the fact that her responses were HILARIOUS to say the least, until she finally decided to call me an "obamarrific elitist bitch." To which I responded, "I'm voting for McCain." That's all I said... what was her response? "Stay off of my page, for good, I MEAN IT." ooo... I'm scared now... I laughed at that. Honestly, she has no way of knowing if I'm on her page, so the "threat" was kind of empty. She then started in on other people that were friends with Renee, and we all laughed at her together.

I realize that sounds cruel, so let me clarify.

If someone you didn't know got their panties in a bunch over a issue they knew nothing about, and left you a nasty message telling you they would give you a CYBER ASS KICKING - I believe the only appropriate response is to laugh. This person is clearly not right in the head. We laughed, and we IGNORED her. I learned another lesson that day.

THAT lesson was: Stupid people can not be unarmed if you ignore them. A few nights later, she came into chat and started talking about us - attacking us, calling us out, and causing problems. We ignored her. She began to then tell everyone how horrible we were, how we attacked people, at which point one of my friends defended us, telling her that she had started it, blah blah blah. Upon pleading with him, he eventually stopped responding to her. I admit that I had gotten involved with a few of her comments as well, but the gist of what I said to her was "look, you're saying that you're starting this in here because you have friends in here, right? These friends are pleading with you to please just stop, and you're ignoring them... be a friend and stop." But she didn't, she just kept going, calling us names, causing problems, etc. etc.

Finally, a mod came in, and I thought OH THANK GOD. FINALLY SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO STOP. But, to my surprise, the mod started yelling at us, and ended up KICKING Hannah - who hadn't said a SINGLE WORD the whole time. KICKED her. Tell me how that's fair. It was clear to me that this particular mod was in chat for one reason - to assert her "power" and force us to bend to the will of her friend.

As the nights went on, I went into chat under my original screen name, and just kind of hung out and watched what people said about the whole thing. It was amazing to me how many people were siding with this particular individual... and when I asked them what the "drama was all about," they had no idea. HA. So now we have a group of individuals, all united over the same cause - but none of them know exactly WHAT that cause is. Sheep - it's really the only word I can think of right now. BUT - I'm getting ahead of myself... the purpose of this blog presented itself that same night...

After the mod came in, I got a bit upset. I hated being accused of causing problems when I had caused none, and more importantly, I hated being accused of doing things that I had not done. It had happened before and I had bit my tongue, but one particular individual went too far, and I finally replied. This person's name is Xian Do.

Now, if you recall earlier, I said I was holding nothing back save names - this person does not get that luxury, and you'll see why soon enough.

Xian Do decides to speak up - "I'll admit I came into this late and don't know all of the details," okay, thanks for admitting it. "But are you and ****** really wondering why people are mad, when you gloat about chasing people away?"

...

W-W-W-W-W-W-W-WHAT? So I took it to PM - rather than resolve this issue in front of everyone, I decided I would opt to do it in private, so as not to cause a huge scene. Lesson #3: When confronting a stupid person, ALWAYS do it in public, so there are witnesses and the stupid person cannot bend the truth. I explained to Xian that I, or anyone else that was on my "side," had ever gloated about chasing anyone away. Because I didn't like to fight dirty - and because my intention was not to FIGHT with Xian (I had NEVER had problems with him before and figured I would just tell him what was up and clear things up and it'd all be fine) - I did not bring up the fact that his friend, the "fearless leader of the other side," the one causing all the drama, had all kinds of graphics and what not on his site gloating about the members HE had chased away. I simply told him that I was not, nor had I ever, gloated about anything, and that I had never wanted anyone to leave... it was not my intention to chase anyone away, I was not going to chase anyone away. I didn't want anyone to leave - it wasn't the first time I had said it, either, I had relayed the same message to the previous chick. Instead of apologizing, saying he was sorry for accusing me of crap I didn't do, he got defensive, and started talking about how wrong I was for gloating about chasing people away. How I was a horrible person if I had a mindset like that.

...I felt like that one kid in the classroom that has his hand up, but the teacher refused to call on him. I was just like... um... excuse me... I just told you I didn't gloat about anything. He brought up the fact that I was giving people "cyber cookies," and I just laughed. Wow, way to take something that has nothing to do with anything and mold it to fit your own agenda. Problem was, I had proof that what he was claiming was false - so I showed it to him. AH! Now he'll back down! He's clearly been proven wrong!!!

... no. He did not. He continued... you're horrible for chasing people away! You're horrible for gloating about it!!

Who have I chased away??

... well you're gloating about it.

...am I the only one that that doesn't make sense to?? Gosh! Just accept it. He did not. So - I did what any frustrated person would do when talking to a stupid person - I closed the PM window and ended the conversation. Round abouts are great, but eventually, you get dizzy and wanna get off.

The last thing I said before logging off was - "the word holocaust is not offensive... The Holocaust is, but holocaust is a word and people should not take offense when it's used in context." After I end the conversation, he decides that's not enough, and says

"That's how you people on your side operate, huh? You say a hurtful comment, and then just end the conversation. Fine. Goodnight." And he left.

First of all - what I said... I don't understand how that can be seen as "hurtful." Second of all - if you had more to say, just PM me, the window will OPEN RIGHT BACK UP. *shakes head* I figured, whatever... I'm done. It should end here. People will get over their little snit fits and we can move on.

Wrong - Xian Do decided to make a statement. Openly announce his distaste, darken his page, and leave. Seeing as this is not what I meant to happen, I decided to "apologize" for the misconstrude comment. I ended it with, "whether you believe me or not does not change the fact that I am sorry you misunderstood."

Lesson #4 - apologies are wasted on the stupid.

Not only was my apology deleted, but it was also lied about. Someone else posted a blog about how they felt the board was wronged by our chasing Xian Do away. Because my goal was also not to chase anyone away, I left a comment on the blog, saying Xian Do was NOT gone. How did I know? I posted an apology on his wall AFTER he "left," and he deleted it. He was clearly still around. I threw this proof out there, ending my comment by saying "just so you know, the person you're mourning is not gone."

Xian Do replied to that - what was the first thing he said? "Maybe you should think twice before attacking someone when you think they can't defend themselves."

Um... WHAT? ...Why would I think you couldn't defend yourself when I was the one who told everyone you HADN'T LEFT. I KNEW he was still around, I made it APPARENT that I knew, so I was in no way attacking him under the preconception that he could not defend himself.

"Your apology was not accepted becuase, when someone says "I don't care whether you accept it or not," it usually means the apology is not real." EXCUSE ME? I DID NOT END IT LIKE THAT. By this point I was up a wall, but I bit my tongue. I was done with him, and as much as I wanted to make him eat his words, I did not respond. No sense in getting into it with the stupid. This person continued to peck away at me until I finally fell silent. Stayed off the site for a while. Did I make a big GOODBYE SPEECH? No. Did I tell everyone I was leaving cuz I was sick of having lies spread about me? Absolutely not. I just stopped logging in... and the people who mattered noticed. That's the way to do it, people. I just laid low, fell back - disappeared. I didn't need to get so upset about someone I didn't know. I stayed away for a couple of weeks, then decided to go back, but not participate in much. Just... chill. Maybe leave a few comments for people that I got a long with, stuff like that. Recently, one of the members - who was an aquaintance of mine - posted a farewell blog. I was upset to see him go, so I posted a comment on his blog, telling him I was sorry he felt he had to leave... here, I'll just post it here:

It's a shame to see you go. I agree with Myth - I never want to see any member leave, and I'm sorry you feel you need to. I hope, in your time away, things will change and you will feel like you can return again. The pit is FOR Red Eye, but it IS the people, and if they all leave, it won't exist.

You will be missed, and I wish you the best in everything you do!! :)

This comment was QUICKLY attacked by Mr. Xian Do - he said I was self serving and narcissistic.... why? Because I said goodbye??? He once again said that I gloated about chasing people away - which had still yet to happen. WHAT THE HECK?? I haven't said word ONE to this guy in about a month and now I can't even say goodbye without being attacked?? Wow dude, back off - obsessed much?? Not to mention the fact that by this point, none of the people on "my side" have said or done anything to warrant attacks, while the people of the "other side" have dragged this out and continued to attack us and bait us, trying to get us to slip up. A number of them got banned because they were being so ridiculous - and NOT ONE OF US GLOATED ABOUT IT. We were quite indifferent - in other words, we didn't give a rip what happened.

WE'VE MOVED ON, PEOPLE.

But that wasn't enough - no. Xian Do couldn't just live with attacking my comment, no - he had to post a quote of mine on his page for everyone to see. The quote?

"Nothing is ever my fault! No matter what I do or how culpable I really am......somebody else is always to blame for my despicable behavior! Now gimme some cake with lots of 'icing'!"

Now... the icing comment - a friend of mine had made a joke a while ago about "icing n00bs." She made the comment when I wasn't around - I had no idea any of this "n00b icing" even existed until I started getting accused of doing it. Also - did I say that? Were those my words? No - it was just an open attack on me for doing what? Saying goodbye to my friend. This is where I started to get REALLY upset. Now this quote of "mine" is on someone else's page, for everyone to see... and none of it is true! Not to mention, the person was messaged and told TWICE by the AP admin to take the quote down, and he ignored both of them. As a result, he was banned.

So now - this quote is floating out around this website - I'm a self serving narcissist that rejoices in chasing people away and picks on new people. And apparently, I vote for Obama. It destroyed me - my name is really all I've got, and if you were a new person and read that, you'd be a little put off. You wouldn't want to talk to me. Shoot, I wouldn't want to talk to me!

I'm just 14 different kinds of finished with this crap. It's one thing to accuse me to my face - it's a completely other thing to say I claim to be things behind my back. And of course, his friends can't let it go - posting their "where is Xian Do?" threads and blah blah blah... you all know where he is... I know what you're doing - and I know why you're doing it.

You're doing it because Lauren has never said a thing back to you. You're doing it because I've taken the high road, bit my tongue, and never defended myself... but I'm done. I won't be attacked anymore. I won't sit back and watch my name get kicked, stepped on, dragged throught the mud. I won't sit back and bite my tongue as people talk about me in "code," knowing full well I know what the hell they mean. I won't sit back and listen to you take cheap shots at people anymore.

You've already called me out. You've lied about me to my face, you've lied about me behind my back. You've destroyed my name and reputation. You've accused me of things I didn't do.

Well now I'm coming, and hell's coming with me. I won't go after you - I won't attack you - but I will respond. I'll out you all as the lying sycophants you are, even if it means making myself look like an idiot. Know why? Cuz you've already taken my good name away. I've got nothing more to lose.

Seriously, though, how can you people honestly think you're not all insane?? When one of you is so obsessed with us that you have to take it to facebook? When the rest of you are so obsessed that you had to create another site with the soul purpouse of talking about us? Bad mouthing us? REALLY? You know, it's almost flattering... I feel kind of like a movie star with all this negative publicity!!

But that won't overshadow the fact that my name was destroyed.

Let's get a few things straight, shall we?

1. I have not, in the past or even now, rejoiced over chasing someone away. I stick by what I said. I hate when people have to leave. I don't see how that comment is self serving in anyway, but whatever. I have no respect for people who pack up and take off, but I won't rejoice when you're gone. Even if I HATED YOUR GUTS, I will mourn the fact that you felt you had to bolt.

2. I don't ice n00bs. I don't even know how that whole conversations started. News flash, people, I WASN'T THERE, I WASN'T INVOLVED, I NEVER ONCE UTTERED THE PHRASE. So all your sick obsessions with icing and frosting and cakes and blah blah blah, you aren't being slick, you're being stupid.

3. I. VOTED. MCCAIN. DEAL WITH IT. We don't agree. We don't like eachother. BUT WE VOTED FOR THE SAME GUY. I mean, do you all realize that I don't agree with hardly any of the political views of the people I'm "involved" with??? And yet, I still feel like they're right in all of this.. hmm... interesting.

That's my say. I realize that a lot of this is kind of stupid - that some of it seems pointless, but I really did need to get this all out. I just need to declare that I'm no longer going to take the high road. I will call you out on everything. So, in the words of a very, VERY wise person:

I've spoken, and now the games must cease. And to the non believers? I say peace - STOP PLAYING THOSE GAMES.

It's old, people. No one thinks you're sly, no one thinks you're funny - but plenty think you're insane. LET IT GO. MAKE LIKE A HOUSEKEEPER AND SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG. Seriously, people, it's been almost 2 months - and we've laid low and quiet nearly the whole time. Do you know what that means?? That means all of you are so obsessed with us that you want to talk about us every second you get.

No, no Lauren, that's not true, we HATE you.

Yeah? Well I got news for ya - and it's quite possibly the BEST advice I've ever recieved from ANYONE:

Love me or hate me - IT'S STILL AN OBSESSION.

I'm going to remain positive - I'm going to remain strong. But like I said before, it's not about being soft, it's about being smart - and that makes sense. I tried being soft about all this, it blew up in my face. So now I'm being smart. I'm no longer lying down. But I'm begging you all to just let this go - we'll all be better off that way.

This blog right here was written to show and prove that positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart. PEACE.

GET YA MINDS RIGHT.

~L