Limitless Ramblings

This song has really spoken to me. I'd heard it before and it didn't do a lot for me, but for whatever reason, when I heard it on the radio today, it REALLY spoke to me. I'm not sure why... I'm not sure WHAT in me it was speaking to, I just know that whatever it's talking to is listening... it's strange, but even though I don't know what is listening to this song, I can FEEL it listening.

That probably sounds weird - maybe it's just me that gets that feeling, but I'm sure there are a few of you that might be able to relate.

So - what am I Thankful for? Youtube, for starters, for making it easy to post videos on my blog! Also, I'm thankful that LOL and Christmas at Hope Central are over and went so well!! :) Thank you to everyone who sent well wishes and who came to see the show!!! :)

Get ya mind right!!

~L

P.S. - I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE MAX PAYNE REVIEW. Expect that sometime next week. It's coming, I PROMISE. I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN. :) (I also have not forgotten about the post with all the things people have sent me)

***UPDATE***
I like this ranting thing... it really helps get the creative juices flowing, and helped me really iron out my thoughts. My last paragraph is what I want to point out - I'm glad I said all of this, because I really did need to get it out. It was the only way my thoughts were really going to work themselves out.

2 days ago, I posted a blog from Donnie Wahlberg, and said essentially that I envied his ability to take rumors said about him and flip them, disprove them, and do so in a classy, funny, non-negative way. As I wrote out the last paragraph of today's rant, I realized I had the next best thing to asking Mr. Wahlberg what his secret was - I had his words in No More Games.

That song has been nothing short of my anthem since the wind hit the fan in all of this. I remember when I was sitting, arguing with someone, and the song came on - the opening sentence was what really got me. "No more games is about positivity, and positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart." I LOVE that line. LOVE it. It's like the answer to any problem you have is summed up in those 17 words...

When I first heard it, I took it to mean that being smart, not soft, meant that I shouldn't let anything said to or about me affect me. I needed to be strong, not soft, and just suck it up - deal with what was being said. Don't lash out, don't respond, don't give them the satisfaction, just deal with it... and we know how that worked out. I posted at the end of this "I've tried being soft, but it blew up in my face." Upon further thinking - which was easier to do after I dumped everything out of my head and into this rant - I realized that, maybe it blew up in my face because I was doing it wrong. I mean - I wanted to be able to disarm rumors like Donnie does, and here I am sitting with his response to rumors and critics and naysayers in my ears almost every day! All I had to do was listen and figure out what he was saying. So, I began to look at everything - look at everything he was saying, and finally, really truly took a look at my favorite line.

"Positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart."

And I figured out where I went wrong. I was interpreting it wrong! It didn't mean to lie down, suck it up, and just deal with problems. It was telling me not to fight back... on the contrary, it was telling me TO fight back!

"POSITIVITY IS NOT ABOUT BEING SOFT..."

It's not about sitting down, letting people step on you. It's not about sucking it up and letting people talk about you behind your back. It's not about biting your tongue and just dealing with what people say about you... you shouldn't have to put up with that. No, fight back! It's not about being soft, it's about TAKING A STAND - Jordan just said it and it made sense to me: sometimes you gotsta take a stand.

"IT'S ABOUT BEING SMART."

Fight back, yes, do it! But DON'T fight like a little kid - don't sink to their level. Don't give into personal attacks or cheap shots, don't give into every emotion you have to ring the person's neck, don't let your emotions drive you. Don't be soft about it, don't let something else take control and make you look like an idiot and drop you to their level. NO - be SMART about it. Battle them with wit. Instead of going in, guns blaring, go in with an open mind. Be kind about it, but take everything they've said about you, and one by one, knock it down. Prove it wrong. Show them why what they're saying can't be true. Show them how they're being hypocrits, how what they say about you isn't necessarily about you - show them how they project. Point out the holes in what they're saying. Fight back, but do it smart.

I did that. I finally took a stand. I was a bit emotional at first, but as I thought about that line - positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart - I got more and more stable in my arguments. I began to throw simple fact into their faces, and... what do you know? It worked. I made my point - I cleared my name (at least in that instance) - and I even recieved an apology.

I realize that "winning an argument" online is the equivalent to winning the special olympics, but you know what? A medal's a medal, and the success is JUST as sweet. Not to mention, it's not about winning the argument so much as I finally feel like I've cleared my name. I haven't squashed all the rumors, but I do feel like, having said my piece and handled myself in a rather classy manner, I've put it out there for all to see that half, if not all, the things said about me were false. I may not have completely cleared my name, but I've cleared a bit... and it's given me hope... hope that I can squash these rumors for the most part, and that I can infact come out on top in all of this.

So - keep that in mind. It's not about being soft, it's about being smart. :)

***UPDATE END***

No more games is about POSITIVITY, and positivity is NOT about being soft, it's about bein' smart, you SUCKAS.

Yeah, I'm gonna send this one out to all those bat cavers out there who been tryin' to put us down and KEEP us down for the past five weeks. I'm gonna tell you what - we ain't goin' out like that. You think this is a love song? WRONG. The AP Naysayers are TOO strong...

I'm a very visual person - I like the see things rather than have them described too me, and I enjoy supplying all of you with pictures rather than shoving a long post in your faces and making you read for hours on end. However, I'm afraid that's what's going to happen this time - I'll try to get you all pictures, but I think descriptions are just going to have to work.

I like emoticons - I think they're cute, and they're a great way to show emotion online, where tone can't really be portrayed through text, and throats can get ripped open at the simplest comment simply because someone misunderstood. Animated emoticons are the BEST. I love them! They are simply amazing, and they do SUCH a good job at portraying emotions. There's one in particular that I'm thinking of - it's a little red smilie. He's angry, and he's SLAMMING. HIS HEAD. AGAINST. A BRICK. WALL.

FRUSTRATION.

It's how I feel right now. Well, let me clarify. I do not feel frustrated - I was frustrated 5 weeks ago, when all this started. I was frustrated when the wind really hit the fan, and words were said about my friends. I was EXTREMELY frustrated when people started in on me. THAT was when I was frustrated. But it's been about 5 weeks, probably more, and I'm beyond frustrated. I'm beyond mad. I'm beyond angry.

Quite honestly, I'm PISSED. I've never been so upset... so betrayed... so utterly... completely... I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A WORD. ENRAGED - there we go.... INFURIATED. If I didn't fear how I'd look bald, I'd rip my hair out! Now, when it comes to stuff like this, I'm usually very lax - I'm laid back. I could give a RIP what someone thinks of me. Yeah, it sucks when people don't like you, but I get over it. I have friends, and I'm happy with who I am. Normally, I'll get miffed if people go after my friends, but I'll usually deal with attacks on me. People who are petty enough to attack you are usually easily disarmed with a smile, a kind word, and wit. I'm not the wittiest person in the world - but I'm witty enough. And, like I said, I could give a rip what people say to me, because I'm happy with who I am.

I'm happy with who I am... hmmm... interesting... maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's why I'm so mad - because I'm happy with who I am - and who I am is NOT a SELF SERVING NARCISSISTIC ANTI SEMITE THAT REFUSES TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND BLAME NO MATTER HOW CULPABLE I MAY BE.

Maybe that's why I don't like rumours - or, maybe I don't like rumours because they're STUPID, and Lord knows I HATE stupid things... I hate stupid things almost as much as I hate rumours, but my hate for rumours is seated way down deep in me, and I'll probably never get over it. It's a hate that allows me to put up with people I normally wouldn't put up with, it allows me to feel pity for people whom I normally wouldn't feel sorry for. No one should have to be the victim of a rumour, but more often than not, people are. It's disheartening.

And it's disgusting when it happens to you. It's not fair - it's rude, and it hurts. It's disarming, and it leaves the victim of the rumour with a sense of helplessness... it leaves them to clean up a mess they NEVER should have had to clean up. And why?

Because there are people in this world that get so jealous that they must cause others pain. It's so much worse than simply being called a name - when you're called a name behind your back, it just feels rude... but a rumour - typically, you aren't made aware of a rumour... it's done in a way where you can hear it, so you can get hurt by it, but it's also done in a way where it can fly under the radar. It's not just a name, it's a story, it's a lie, and they're SO HARD to get rid of, especially if you don't know it's going on.

This happened to me recently - the only way I found out is because I have friends who let me know... if it hadn't been for them, I never would have been made aware of the things being said about me - and that thought alone hurts.

See, there have been some problems on a site I'm part of... I talked about it earlier. A word was said, taken the wrong way, and everything was blown out of proportion... I wasn't involved really - I had said my piece on the forums and was going to let it lay at that. But then, I saw a comment on my friend's wall that called her names, and basically told her to "take her best shot." This person's exact words were, "so try to get me to leave." I posted a response to this person - asked her to read up on the issue before getting involved. I did not mean it to be rude, and I did not mean it as anything other than a friendly, hey, this issue is kind of deeper than it looks on the surface, so don't run in unarmed. It was not taken that way - it was taken as a "personal attack" and the person lashed out, and started stuff. I responded as I saw fit... responding to her questions, maybe pointing out a grammar mistake here or there, but not resorting to name calling or anything of the like. I stuck to the rule - a kind word, a smile, and wit.

I learned a lesson that day, and that lesson was: The stupid cannot be unarmed with a smile, a kind word, and wit. The stupid cannot be unarmed because the stupid no not that they are stupid. Normally I would check myself before publicly referring to anyone as "stupid," but I'm done with these people and will hold nothing back, save for their names. I bickered back and forth with this person, more out of the fact that her responses were HILARIOUS to say the least, until she finally decided to call me an "obamarrific elitist bitch." To which I responded, "I'm voting for McCain." That's all I said... what was her response? "Stay off of my page, for good, I MEAN IT." ooo... I'm scared now... I laughed at that. Honestly, she has no way of knowing if I'm on her page, so the "threat" was kind of empty. She then started in on other people that were friends with Renee, and we all laughed at her together.

I realize that sounds cruel, so let me clarify.

If someone you didn't know got their panties in a bunch over a issue they knew nothing about, and left you a nasty message telling you they would give you a CYBER ASS KICKING - I believe the only appropriate response is to laugh. This person is clearly not right in the head. We laughed, and we IGNORED her. I learned another lesson that day.

THAT lesson was: Stupid people can not be unarmed if you ignore them. A few nights later, she came into chat and started talking about us - attacking us, calling us out, and causing problems. We ignored her. She began to then tell everyone how horrible we were, how we attacked people, at which point one of my friends defended us, telling her that she had started it, blah blah blah. Upon pleading with him, he eventually stopped responding to her. I admit that I had gotten involved with a few of her comments as well, but the gist of what I said to her was "look, you're saying that you're starting this in here because you have friends in here, right? These friends are pleading with you to please just stop, and you're ignoring them... be a friend and stop." But she didn't, she just kept going, calling us names, causing problems, etc. etc.

Finally, a mod came in, and I thought OH THANK GOD. FINALLY SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO STOP. But, to my surprise, the mod started yelling at us, and ended up KICKING Hannah - who hadn't said a SINGLE WORD the whole time. KICKED her. Tell me how that's fair. It was clear to me that this particular mod was in chat for one reason - to assert her "power" and force us to bend to the will of her friend.

As the nights went on, I went into chat under my original screen name, and just kind of hung out and watched what people said about the whole thing. It was amazing to me how many people were siding with this particular individual... and when I asked them what the "drama was all about," they had no idea. HA. So now we have a group of individuals, all united over the same cause - but none of them know exactly WHAT that cause is. Sheep - it's really the only word I can think of right now. BUT - I'm getting ahead of myself... the purpose of this blog presented itself that same night...

After the mod came in, I got a bit upset. I hated being accused of causing problems when I had caused none, and more importantly, I hated being accused of doing things that I had not done. It had happened before and I had bit my tongue, but one particular individual went too far, and I finally replied. This person's name is Xian Do.

Now, if you recall earlier, I said I was holding nothing back save names - this person does not get that luxury, and you'll see why soon enough.

Xian Do decides to speak up - "I'll admit I came into this late and don't know all of the details," okay, thanks for admitting it. "But are you and ****** really wondering why people are mad, when you gloat about chasing people away?"

...

W-W-W-W-W-W-W-WHAT? So I took it to PM - rather than resolve this issue in front of everyone, I decided I would opt to do it in private, so as not to cause a huge scene. Lesson #3: When confronting a stupid person, ALWAYS do it in public, so there are witnesses and the stupid person cannot bend the truth. I explained to Xian that I, or anyone else that was on my "side," had ever gloated about chasing anyone away. Because I didn't like to fight dirty - and because my intention was not to FIGHT with Xian (I had NEVER had problems with him before and figured I would just tell him what was up and clear things up and it'd all be fine) - I did not bring up the fact that his friend, the "fearless leader of the other side," the one causing all the drama, had all kinds of graphics and what not on his site gloating about the members HE had chased away. I simply told him that I was not, nor had I ever, gloated about anything, and that I had never wanted anyone to leave... it was not my intention to chase anyone away, I was not going to chase anyone away. I didn't want anyone to leave - it wasn't the first time I had said it, either, I had relayed the same message to the previous chick. Instead of apologizing, saying he was sorry for accusing me of crap I didn't do, he got defensive, and started talking about how wrong I was for gloating about chasing people away. How I was a horrible person if I had a mindset like that.

...I felt like that one kid in the classroom that has his hand up, but the teacher refused to call on him. I was just like... um... excuse me... I just told you I didn't gloat about anything. He brought up the fact that I was giving people "cyber cookies," and I just laughed. Wow, way to take something that has nothing to do with anything and mold it to fit your own agenda. Problem was, I had proof that what he was claiming was false - so I showed it to him. AH! Now he'll back down! He's clearly been proven wrong!!!

... no. He did not. He continued... you're horrible for chasing people away! You're horrible for gloating about it!!

Who have I chased away??

... well you're gloating about it.

...am I the only one that that doesn't make sense to?? Gosh! Just accept it. He did not. So - I did what any frustrated person would do when talking to a stupid person - I closed the PM window and ended the conversation. Round abouts are great, but eventually, you get dizzy and wanna get off.

The last thing I said before logging off was - "the word holocaust is not offensive... The Holocaust is, but holocaust is a word and people should not take offense when it's used in context." After I end the conversation, he decides that's not enough, and says

"That's how you people on your side operate, huh? You say a hurtful comment, and then just end the conversation. Fine. Goodnight." And he left.

First of all - what I said... I don't understand how that can be seen as "hurtful." Second of all - if you had more to say, just PM me, the window will OPEN RIGHT BACK UP. *shakes head* I figured, whatever... I'm done. It should end here. People will get over their little snit fits and we can move on.

Wrong - Xian Do decided to make a statement. Openly announce his distaste, darken his page, and leave. Seeing as this is not what I meant to happen, I decided to "apologize" for the misconstrude comment. I ended it with, "whether you believe me or not does not change the fact that I am sorry you misunderstood."

Lesson #4 - apologies are wasted on the stupid.

Not only was my apology deleted, but it was also lied about. Someone else posted a blog about how they felt the board was wronged by our chasing Xian Do away. Because my goal was also not to chase anyone away, I left a comment on the blog, saying Xian Do was NOT gone. How did I know? I posted an apology on his wall AFTER he "left," and he deleted it. He was clearly still around. I threw this proof out there, ending my comment by saying "just so you know, the person you're mourning is not gone."

Xian Do replied to that - what was the first thing he said? "Maybe you should think twice before attacking someone when you think they can't defend themselves."

Um... WHAT? ...Why would I think you couldn't defend yourself when I was the one who told everyone you HADN'T LEFT. I KNEW he was still around, I made it APPARENT that I knew, so I was in no way attacking him under the preconception that he could not defend himself.

"Your apology was not accepted becuase, when someone says "I don't care whether you accept it or not," it usually means the apology is not real." EXCUSE ME? I DID NOT END IT LIKE THAT. By this point I was up a wall, but I bit my tongue. I was done with him, and as much as I wanted to make him eat his words, I did not respond. No sense in getting into it with the stupid. This person continued to peck away at me until I finally fell silent. Stayed off the site for a while. Did I make a big GOODBYE SPEECH? No. Did I tell everyone I was leaving cuz I was sick of having lies spread about me? Absolutely not. I just stopped logging in... and the people who mattered noticed. That's the way to do it, people. I just laid low, fell back - disappeared. I didn't need to get so upset about someone I didn't know. I stayed away for a couple of weeks, then decided to go back, but not participate in much. Just... chill. Maybe leave a few comments for people that I got a long with, stuff like that. Recently, one of the members - who was an aquaintance of mine - posted a farewell blog. I was upset to see him go, so I posted a comment on his blog, telling him I was sorry he felt he had to leave... here, I'll just post it here:

It's a shame to see you go. I agree with Myth - I never want to see any member leave, and I'm sorry you feel you need to. I hope, in your time away, things will change and you will feel like you can return again. The pit is FOR Red Eye, but it IS the people, and if they all leave, it won't exist.

You will be missed, and I wish you the best in everything you do!! :)

This comment was QUICKLY attacked by Mr. Xian Do - he said I was self serving and narcissistic.... why? Because I said goodbye??? He once again said that I gloated about chasing people away - which had still yet to happen. WHAT THE HECK?? I haven't said word ONE to this guy in about a month and now I can't even say goodbye without being attacked?? Wow dude, back off - obsessed much?? Not to mention the fact that by this point, none of the people on "my side" have said or done anything to warrant attacks, while the people of the "other side" have dragged this out and continued to attack us and bait us, trying to get us to slip up. A number of them got banned because they were being so ridiculous - and NOT ONE OF US GLOATED ABOUT IT. We were quite indifferent - in other words, we didn't give a rip what happened.

WE'VE MOVED ON, PEOPLE.

But that wasn't enough - no. Xian Do couldn't just live with attacking my comment, no - he had to post a quote of mine on his page for everyone to see. The quote?

"Nothing is ever my fault! No matter what I do or how culpable I really am......somebody else is always to blame for my despicable behavior! Now gimme some cake with lots of 'icing'!"

Now... the icing comment - a friend of mine had made a joke a while ago about "icing n00bs." She made the comment when I wasn't around - I had no idea any of this "n00b icing" even existed until I started getting accused of doing it. Also - did I say that? Were those my words? No - it was just an open attack on me for doing what? Saying goodbye to my friend. This is where I started to get REALLY upset. Now this quote of "mine" is on someone else's page, for everyone to see... and none of it is true! Not to mention, the person was messaged and told TWICE by the AP admin to take the quote down, and he ignored both of them. As a result, he was banned.

So now - this quote is floating out around this website - I'm a self serving narcissist that rejoices in chasing people away and picks on new people. And apparently, I vote for Obama. It destroyed me - my name is really all I've got, and if you were a new person and read that, you'd be a little put off. You wouldn't want to talk to me. Shoot, I wouldn't want to talk to me!

I'm just 14 different kinds of finished with this crap. It's one thing to accuse me to my face - it's a completely other thing to say I claim to be things behind my back. And of course, his friends can't let it go - posting their "where is Xian Do?" threads and blah blah blah... you all know where he is... I know what you're doing - and I know why you're doing it.

You're doing it because Lauren has never said a thing back to you. You're doing it because I've taken the high road, bit my tongue, and never defended myself... but I'm done. I won't be attacked anymore. I won't sit back and watch my name get kicked, stepped on, dragged throught the mud. I won't sit back and bite my tongue as people talk about me in "code," knowing full well I know what the hell they mean. I won't sit back and listen to you take cheap shots at people anymore.

You've already called me out. You've lied about me to my face, you've lied about me behind my back. You've destroyed my name and reputation. You've accused me of things I didn't do.

Well now I'm coming, and hell's coming with me. I won't go after you - I won't attack you - but I will respond. I'll out you all as the lying sycophants you are, even if it means making myself look like an idiot. Know why? Cuz you've already taken my good name away. I've got nothing more to lose.

Seriously, though, how can you people honestly think you're not all insane?? When one of you is so obsessed with us that you have to take it to facebook? When the rest of you are so obsessed that you had to create another site with the soul purpouse of talking about us? Bad mouthing us? REALLY? You know, it's almost flattering... I feel kind of like a movie star with all this negative publicity!!

But that won't overshadow the fact that my name was destroyed.

Let's get a few things straight, shall we?

1. I have not, in the past or even now, rejoiced over chasing someone away. I stick by what I said. I hate when people have to leave. I don't see how that comment is self serving in anyway, but whatever. I have no respect for people who pack up and take off, but I won't rejoice when you're gone. Even if I HATED YOUR GUTS, I will mourn the fact that you felt you had to bolt.

2. I don't ice n00bs. I don't even know how that whole conversations started. News flash, people, I WASN'T THERE, I WASN'T INVOLVED, I NEVER ONCE UTTERED THE PHRASE. So all your sick obsessions with icing and frosting and cakes and blah blah blah, you aren't being slick, you're being stupid.

3. I. VOTED. MCCAIN. DEAL WITH IT. We don't agree. We don't like eachother. BUT WE VOTED FOR THE SAME GUY. I mean, do you all realize that I don't agree with hardly any of the political views of the people I'm "involved" with??? And yet, I still feel like they're right in all of this.. hmm... interesting.

That's my say. I realize that a lot of this is kind of stupid - that some of it seems pointless, but I really did need to get this all out. I just need to declare that I'm no longer going to take the high road. I will call you out on everything. So, in the words of a very, VERY wise person:

I've spoken, and now the games must cease. And to the non believers? I say peace - STOP PLAYING THOSE GAMES.

It's old, people. No one thinks you're sly, no one thinks you're funny - but plenty think you're insane. LET IT GO. MAKE LIKE A HOUSEKEEPER AND SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG. Seriously, people, it's been almost 2 months - and we've laid low and quiet nearly the whole time. Do you know what that means?? That means all of you are so obsessed with us that you want to talk about us every second you get.

No, no Lauren, that's not true, we HATE you.

Yeah? Well I got news for ya - and it's quite possibly the BEST advice I've ever recieved from ANYONE:

Love me or hate me - IT'S STILL AN OBSESSION.

I'm going to remain positive - I'm going to remain strong. But like I said before, it's not about being soft, it's about being smart - and that makes sense. I tried being soft about all this, it blew up in my face. So now I'm being smart. I'm no longer lying down. But I'm begging you all to just let this go - we'll all be better off that way.

This blog right here was written to show and prove that positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart. PEACE.

GET YA MINDS RIGHT.

~L

Okay, so.... I'm posting this now because I don't know if I'll have a chance later in the day... I just got home from rehearsal for LOL. I know what you're saying...

"LAUREN!" You say, dropping your bowl of cheerios and not even caring about the mess it makes as it shatters on the floor. "12:30 - that's so LATE!"

But fear not - it IS late, but the rehearsal was not that long... we were suppose to be there at 9.

I can see you now - freezing as you clean up your mashed cheerios/broken bowl/spilled milk mess. "NINE?" you say. "AS IN PM?"

Yes - PM... and please, stop yelling... I'm right here. I can hear you just fine. You see, there were some musicians in the theater until 9, and we had to put the set together after they left... and this is where the blog post comes in...

I'm thankful for moments that put things into perspective.

I was talking to my friend Donna today - I don't want to say I was complaining, but I kind of was... Sarah called me on it the other day, I was whining because I couldn't get a scene memorized... I got it, by the way, Sarah... haha. Anyway - I was complaining. Donna's a great chick - and she's one of the girls that I can just joke around with - so I was talking about my latest blog post and she made the mistake of asking me how I was doing... here's the conversation:

Lauren

I finally posted a blog post that didn't mention Donnie AT ALL

8:48pmDonna

O WOW!! that's big news go u!!

8:48pmLauren

lol

8:48pmDonna

how are ya??

8:49pmLauren

good

a little stressed

8:50pmDonna

i am good 2..and kinda confused...why ya stressed??

8:50pmLauren

I just got out of dress rehearsal for a musical at my church

at 9:30 (in about 30 minutes)

I have to go to the college

and put together the set for my other play

then I have dress rehearsal for that until God knows when

8:51pmDonna

oh wow that's alot...

8:51pmLauren

tomorrow I have a 10 am call for the show at the college

and a 2 pm show

then a 5:15 call for the musical at the church and a 6 o clock show

Monday I have to make like, 50 thousand calls, and I have a 5 oclock call for the show at the college again

then I have a week of crunch rehearsals

and another musical at the church - but it's a DIFFERENT musical so I have to learn new lines

plus, I'm somewhat in charge of the other musical

so I have to learn lines, as well as stage direction

as well as set up the set, etc

my status is from a new kids song - but right now it's how I feel >.<

8:57pmDonna

holy diver...

wow

8:57pmLauren

yeah

lol

8:57pmDonna

well good luck with all of this and i hope you can get a break soon

I was in a very woe is me mood - kind of like, why why why why why why WHY did I sign on for so much at once?? I was tired, and I was dreading today... I still kind of am, but... well, let's continue.

Because I need to learn 3 plays, I usually will try to flush my mind between rehearsals. In other words - do one play, then do something completely mind numbing, and remind myself of the next play, run through that till I have it down, and repeat. I didn't really have a lot to do, so I ended up digging through any NKOTB blogs that I hadn't read while I was on break and what not, and the first one I read was called simply, "Grateful." The reason it caught my eye is because of NaBloPoMo - the theme for December is thanks, and it's always nice to read up on stuff and get an idea of what other people are thankful for... perhaps have a moment where you go, OH YEAH, I'm thankful for that, too! So I started reading it - Jordan Knight wrote it, and as I read it, I was just struck with this sudden feeling of SUCK IT UP.

"WHY?" I hear you ask, having finally cleaned up your spilled cheerio fiasco. And, if I may point out, you're still yelling. I realize that the sun may be up while you're reading this, but let's face it, if you're reading it and you aren't in church, then it's real early and people may be sleeping. You need to be more considerate. If you ask nicely, I'll tell you. "...why?" That's better. Here is the first paragraph of the blog - as you read it, you may see a few comparisons to a conversation you read seconds before... lol.

After the show in Vancouver I was talking to a fan- I really don’t
like referring to people as fans, so lets say supporter… That feels
better.
So anyway, I was talking about how after the Seattle show (the
following night) we have to get on a plane at 1 in the morning, then
land in LA at 4 am then be up at 7:30 am for soundcheck at the AMA’s
and then fittings and then a run thru and then try to get a couple
hours sleep before getting ready for red carpet and then the awards
show at 5 pm and then we are the second performance of the night.
Now when I was saying it, I wasn’t really complaining but I guess I
had a little “whoa is me” in my voice, maybe a little dramatic.
And she very dryly said “nice life” with a tad of sarcasm. I got a
good chuckle at it. I’ve felt that I have been rightly grateful thru
out for all the amazing things that have happened to me/us, but it’s
always funny to be checked up on.

SEE? Yeah, I know... what are the odds? It was one of those things where I just had to give props to God, give him the ole nod and just say, alright, I hear ya.

The thing that really jumped out at me was this line: "I've felt that I've been rightly grateful thru out for all the amazing things that have happened to me." It grabbed my attention because I realized, I haven't really been grateful for anything. I've just been very, ugh, I have to do this. Ugh, I have to do this. Ugh, I have to do this, this, this, and this. It's been a very blah attitude.

But - that one line made me step back and look at everything differently... I mean, I need to think about it. Instead of thinking, UGH I NEED TO MEMORIZE THREE PLAYS, I need to realize, WOW - I'm in 3 plays at once! It may not be my big break, but it at least says there are enough people in this town that think I'm somewhat talented when it comes to acting. Not to mention, all the practice I'm getting! I'm writing, directing, managing, etc. I'm making new friends, I'm expanding my creative horizons, and I'm making my name known. How can that be a bad thing??? Yes, it's going to be hard work, but lots of things are hard work - and the more work you put in, the more satisfaction you get when it's over.

I also realized that, dangit, if it was really as bad as I was claiming it to be, I would have given up a long time ago... I didn't, because whether I admit it or not, I love acting. I can complain until I'm blue in the face, but when it's all said and done, I'd much rather be on that stage making a fool out of myself then making buko bucks behind some desk.

I'm thankful I happened upon that blog - because, quite frankly, I needed that slap in the face, and I needed that wake up call. Thank you, Jordan, for putting things into perspective! And thank you everyone who has ever supported me, or put up with my whining. You guys are awesome! I hope to have some video of the plays, but no promises.

I'm now going to force myself to sleep - I'm going to need it. Tomorrow is going to be insane, but I have high hopes!!

Get ya mind right - I've finally got mine right! :)

~L.

I actually don't know how well this is going to go with the whole "Thanks" theme - but I figured I'd write about it anyway.

There are a few words that I love just because they're more than words - they're words that you can't define just by pointing to something, because they aren't tangeable. HOPE is one of these words - I absolutely love it... but what is Hope, really?

I'm in a Christmas musical at my church called Christmas at Hope Central... it's a real cute production, and one of the songs (sung by Bailey Dalhoff, who does a GREAT job) is called "To Know Hope" and it's a real good song.

It's the time of year when all the lights shine and everyone says:
Be of good cheer. He look around, things are so in a mess.
Now Christmas is near, but ti's the same old lonely world that it's been.
Better luck next year with peace on earth, good will to men.

To know hope, when the darkness that surrounds me brings no hope, please help me to see.
To know hope when there's no one really out there. Is there anybody anywhere?
Help me to know hope.

It's the time of year when all lights shine and everyone says:
Be of good cheer. Hey look around, things are so in a mess.
You turn your back to the cold while Christmas bells played their song again.
You heard the story told of peace on earth, good will to men.

To know hope, when the darkness surrounds me, brings no hope, please help me to see.
To know hope is to know the love of Jesus and to feel his arms around us, to know Him
is to know hope.

I really like that song - the tune is sweet, and like I said before, Bailey does a good job singing it. But, I like the message, too... especially the line about turning your back to the cold.

Isn't THAT what hope is?? Some people would say hope is something that you want - when you never stop wanting, the feeling that if you want hard enough it'll happen... but I don't think so... more so than a state of mind, I think HOPE is actually an action... more so than just wanting something, I think HOPE involves a lot of work on someone's part. The wanting and believing whatever you want can be attained is only half of the job - the other half would be what that line in the song says - turning your back to the cold. In order to have real, true, hope, you have to work at it... you have to believe when everything else says you're wrong. You have to want when everyone tells you it's impossible. You have to shut off everyone around you and push on to attain your goal - you have to turn your back to the cold. When people tell you something is never going to happen, you have to know how to laugh it off - you can't let anything discourage you. THAT'S what HOPE is - and to know hope is to know the love of Jesus...

I mean, who can debate that knowing Jesus Christ is true Hope?? How many people in this world condemn Christians? Tell them that what they believe is ridiculous?? And how many of those Christians turn their backs to the cold and continue to believe - continue to have true hope?? I know it exists - I've felt his love, heard his voice, and seen him work in my life... I have the hope in my life that there is more, that I'm meant for more, and that there is more beyond this world. THAT is true hope, and no matter what you tell me, I won't abandon that.

You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope.

Get ya mind right.

~L

Thanks wise... I guess you could say I'm thankful for Christ... and the chance to experience true Hope.

I'm also EXTREMELY thankful to facebook, for not only telling me I'm a whore, but letting me know that for every 1 person that has a crush on me, there are 2 people that hate me. THANKS FACEBOOK.

Click the image ^^

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

So... the hardest part of today's blog was picking a title... no joke. I saw the above vid last night and knew exactly what I was thankful for when I woke up this morning.

I'm thankful for Easy Company - 506th Infantry Regiment.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate ALL of E Company, but the 506th is the regiment I know the most about... They're the ones profiled in Band of Brothers, and I don't know a single person that has seen that show and walked away without being PROUD of their history.

I'm already a sucker for anything war related, and WW2 especially, because my dad's dad was a Bombardier... I think he was in B-52's? I don't know for sure... it's been a while.

The 506th PIR was an experimental Airborne Regiment created in 1942. Easy Company missions were to be dropped from a C-47 Transport Airplane over various hostile territories. The units would parachute from the aircraft, and regroup once they had landed. The purpose of an experimental parachute regiment was to gain tactical advantage over the enemy; also as a fast access to wherever the unit needed to be mobilized.

The training for Easy Company was not an easy task. Besides attending the standard Airborne school, the unit had to perform battle drills and excruciating amounts of physical training. One of the more famous exercises performed physical training was the running of Curahee. Curahee was a large, steep hill, in which the men of Easy Company had to run on a regular basis.

Also as part of their physical training, the members of Easy Company performed formation runs. Formation runs are formed into three-four column running groups. The purpose of this training was to first push the soldiers to their limits, and also to teach them how to work together as a team.

The reason I chose to post the above video is because, the two that fascinate and touch me the most are the object of that video - Maj. Richard D. Winters (born January 21, 1918) and Capt. Lewis Nixon (September 30, 1918 - January 11, 1995). Not only were the two men exceptional soldiers and heroes, but they had a friendship that is unparalleled. The video doesn't capture it in it's entirety, but it touches on how amazing these two people were and how close they were - I loved their friendship more so than anything they ever did... (it breaks my heart to see that Nix died 10 days before Winter's birthday)

I am so thankful to have these two great men be a part of the history of my country - as well as the 506th. Even if you don't know a thing about these two men - just know that they truly are the definition of Hero. Keep Maj. Winters in your prayers and Capt. Nixon in your memories. I don't know how - or if - WW2 would have been different if these two men had not existed, but I know I am thankful that they did. Maj. Winters was a GREAT leader - turned the 506th into the amazing regiment it was, and Capt. Nixon kept Winters going... served as a great friend and a great soldier, despite a slight drinking problem and having never fired a shot. ;)

Winters enlisted in the army in 1941 in order to shorten his time in service. Upon graduation from basic training, he was selected to attend the Army Officer Candidate School (OCS) at Fort Benning, Georgia. It was there that he met his friend Lewis Nixon, with whom he would serve throughout the war in the 101st Airborne Division. He was commissioned as a second lieutenant after graduation from OCS.

Winters volunteered for paratrooper training at Camp Toccoa in northeastern Georgia, and was an original member of Company "E", of the 2nd Battalion, 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment 101st division, initially serving as a platoon leader. During his training at Camp Toccoa, Winters was appointed Company Executive Officer (XO) and received a promotion to first lieutenant, under the company's original commander, Captain Herbert Sobel.

After the 101st Airborne Division was deployed to England in September 1943, simmering grievances of Easy Company's NCOs erupted into what Winters later called a "mutiny". Captain Sobel was replaced as the commanding officer (CO) of Easy Company by First Lieutenant Thomas Meehan III shortly before the Normandy invasion. However, at approximately 1:15 a.m. on June 6, 1944, the C-47 Skytrain transport carrying Meehan and the headquarters section of Easy Company was shot down by German anti-aircraft fire, killing everyone on board.

Winters jumped that night and landed safely near Sainte-Mère-Église. Having lost his weapon during the drop, he was able to orient himself, collect several paratroopers, including members of the 82nd Airborne, and proceed toward the unit's assigned objective near Sainte-Marie-du-Mont. Without knowing the fate of Lieutenant Meehan, Winters became the de facto commanding officer of Easy Company for the duration of the Normandy campaign.

Later that day, Winters led an attack that destroyed a battery of German 105 mm howitzers which were firing onto the causeways that served as the principal exits from Utah Beach. The guns were defended by approximately one platoon of German troops, while Winters had only thirteen men. This action south of the village of Le Grand-Chemin is often referred to as the Brécourt Manor Assault. The attack is still taught at the military academy at West Point as an example of a text book assault on a fixed position. In addition to destroying the battery, Winters also obtained a map detailing all German defenses in the Utah Beach area.

Continue...

After graduating from Army Officer Candidate School in 1941 as a second lieutenant, Nixon made the decision to join the paratroops. He was assigned to Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment. Nixon went through the regimental unit training and pre-airborne training at Camp Toccoa, Georgia, and Airborne School at Fort Benning, Georgia, eventually training at many locations throughout the United States and England for the invasion of France.

Nixon was appointed as the 2nd Battalion intelligence officer, and showed enough skill at his job to be moved up to the regimental level as 506th Infantry S2, shortly after Easy Company took Carentan on June 12, 1944. He served in Normandy, the Netherlands, Belgium, and Germany, though he never fired a shot. However, in Holland he was hit by a stray bullet from a German MG-42 machine gun. The bullet went through Nixon's helmet but did not kill him. It only grazed his forehead and left a small burn mark. He developed a drinking problem, and was eventually removed and assigned back down to the 2nd Battalion as the operations officer (S3), where he continued to display his skill at planning and operations, but did not have to deal with the politics and high visibility at the regimental level. In Berchtesgaden, he had first choice of a captured, extensive wine collection originally assembled at Hermann Goering's expense.

Nixon was one of the few men of the 101st Airborne to jump with another division or regiment. On March 24, 1945, Nixon was assigned by General Maxwell Taylor as an observer with the 17th Airborne Division on Operation Varsity. Nixon's plane took a direct hit after he and three others got out. He is also one of a very few men in the 101st to earn three Combat Jump Stars on his Jump Wings.

He ended the war with the rank of captain. He saw the defeat of Germany, and returned home in September 1945.

He is known and remembered for his love of the blended whisky VAT 69. This is commemorated several times in the book and miniseries Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose. Lewis Nixon was also remembered as always having a source of whisky no matter where the company was.

I cannot express enough how thankful I am to have such amazing people be a part of the history of this nation. :)


Scott Grimes (right), who portrayed Tsgt. Donald Malarkey in the HBO mini series Band of Brothers, seen here with the REAL Tsgt. Donald Malarkey (left), born in 1921.

So - HANK IS FINE! THANK GOODNESS!!! We got him back last night, he was in a bit of pain but doing better than when he left... he had no problem walking around and what not...

Poor guy looks like a holocaust dog!!! He's shaved in a number of places, the biggest patch on his back, and smaller ones on his chest and near his legs. He also has a bunch of small, balloon-like tubes sticking out of him, and he has to wear a cone around his neck.

It isn't the first time he's had to wear a cone - when he was younger, I accidently slammed his tail in the door and he needed stitches, so he wore one then. I think, now, he's a bit more used to it, and he likes it a tad more because this one is see through, so he can see where he's going. He lies around a lot - hasn't been extremely active, but I assume that's because he's in a bit of pain. Took some meds this morning, gets some more tomorrow, then after that, he has to deal with it.

We've been giving him his antibiotics by rolling them up in pieces of bread - he doesn't even chew them, just swallows them lol!

I think the grossest part are the tubes - there's in there so everything just drains out.... *shudders* it's gross.

We had to take his crate apart, too, so he could get in with his cone head... lol. It's going to take him a good 20 days to heal, and he has to have the cone on for 10 of those days. He also has a bunch of appointments he has to go to - let this be a lesson to all of you dogs who decide you want to go sniffing around... make sure you have a friend!! Reservation dogs attack swiftly and in packs! And it takes rocks to make them go away! BUDDY UP FOR SAFETY!


He looks a mess, and it cost quite a bit of money, but he's going to be okay, and I'm thankful for that. I don't know what I'd do without my Hanky! :)

And thank you to everyone who wished him well!!!


In other news - Rodrigo y Gabriela - if you don't know who they are, find out. They're amazing! W00t!!! They're like... they're like Alejandro and Maya from Heroes, except instead of useless powers, they have AWESOME guitar powers! Give them a listen!! :) I have their album "Rodrigo y Gabriela," and it has some awesome songs on it - most notably "Diablo Rojo" and "Viking Man," as well as "Ixtapa" and "Satori."

Get ya mind right.

~L.

So - apparently there's this thing called National Blog Post Month... or NaBloPoMo... I think it's a pretty cool idea - mostly because now I'm getting stressed beyond the point of no return, and I'm going to need to blog my brains out. *sigh*

So, what you're supposed to do is post something every day of the month, focusing on a certain theme. December's theme is thanks... now, while I wrote posts on both the first and the second, I didn't get to post them because I was on the road and running around like a chicken with my head cut off... so I'll just give you a brief overview of them.

Dec. 1st - woke up sick... slept almost the entire way home and was still exhausted when I hit my bed. Hank whined a bit about his wounds but other than that he was okay... a little blah. Steven was sick too, and when we got home, Sean got sick as well. Yay. We got home safe, though. :)

Dec. 2nd - talk about hitting the ground running. I had to be at work in the morning, and from there I set things up for rehearsals... and then had rehearsal for the college show at 5. When I got there, I was tossed into two more skits, and ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. It was quite unnerving but exciting at the same time, and I received a lot of positive feed back. The show is high energy, we were running everywhere between scenes - it's going to be awesome. We then had to strike the set, and when I got home I found out that Hank was still not feeling well. :(


So - because they were written before I knew about NaBloPoMo, they aren't really centered around the theme.

Today... well... I'm going to try and count my blessings... there are a few things I'm extremely thankful for... I'll try to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.

I'm thankful for good friends: I recently had my name somewhat dragged through the mud - some pretty mean things were said about me and it kind of got me depressed... but I've got some great friends, and they really helped me to get over it. :)

I'm thankful for iTunes: This one is going to sound weird, but... lol... I really am thankful for my iTunes. I think it's psychic... it always plays EXACTLY what I want to hear - when I'm upset, it'll either play a song that has words I need to hear, or play a song that has a voice that makes me happy... either way, it never fails. For instance, last night, when I was dealing with the rumours spread about me - it played Rumours by Lindsay Lohan and then Games (The Kids Get Hard Mix) by New Kids on the Block. :)

I'm thankful for Ana and Kayla: My "mom" and my "sister." We function on the same mind link, and they're some of the most uplifting and amazing people I know. They always make me smile and help me out when I'm upset... and they always know EXACTLY what to say to make me smile... more often then not, they make me quite literally roll on the floor with laughter. I love you guys!!!... even if you are the cause for my corruption. :D

I'm thankful for "stars" that aren't getting too big for their britches: Three people come to mind when I think of this, and I'll address each of them.

Eamon Sullivan: Australian swimmer - if you have no idea who he is then FIND OUT NOW... and join the Aussie Posse. This guy is sooooo awesome - he happens to be one of Kayla's idols and totally made her day when he CHATTED WITH HER ON FACEBOOK!! He's hilarious, and a nice guy - and he's good looking and talented to boot. The thing that gets me about him is he has a facebook, and he doesn't talk all day and night about how people love him, or how there were people everywhere he went, how he has this many fans, how amazing he thinks he is, blah blah blah. No - instead, he talks about what he did that day, or he posts videos of him bungee jumping or hanging out with friends - when he's in the water he's an olympic swimmer, but out of the water he's a normal guy and he acts like it... that's freakin' awesome.

Donnie Wahlberg: I don't know where to start - this is a guy who is never too busy to give fans what they want. The great thing about Donnie is that you won't ever hear him say "OMG I'm so amazing people love me so much" (at least not seriously lol). On the contrary, he talks about how much HE loves the people that love him. He's all about the fans - and I loooooove that I think it's absolutely adorable. I also love that he's not afraid to play around, and he's certainly not afraid cry... and like I said, he's all about giving the fans what they want. :) (Like Sullivan, he also makes silly little videos in his spare time)

Garrett Webber-Gale: Another person that, if you don't know his name, learn it and memorize it. He may not be as big as Phelps right now, but he's twice the man and he WILL be a household name soon. For the past couple of months, I've had the pleasure of reading Garrett's blog - if you EVER need to read anything inspirational, read his blog. It's really amazing... I love it. And what's more, Garrett's a pretty down to earth guy - he talks with his readers through comments, and gives us regular updates. But does he ever talk about how many people love him?? How many fans he has?? No - he talks about his training... how he feels he's doing, where he feels he needs to improve, and what he's going to do to improve. He's extremely humble, and a sweet guy - and he's going to be famous here real soon, no doubt. :)

These may sound like stupid things to be thankful for, but I'm grasping at straws here. My dog - who is one of my very best friends in the whole world - went in for surgery today and I'm really worried about him. :( I'm trying to be optimistic... here's hoping tomorrow's blog can have some thanks concerning the dog! :)

Get ya mind right!!

~L.