On the Mend

It's dying.

My blog is dying and the sad thing is, I'm the one trying to kill it. See, when I first started blogging, it was because writing when I was upset helped me to stop being upset. It was like, anger management, an outlet for my emotions... and it worked. Anytime I was upset or stressed or sad or whatever, I was able to blog and it made me feel better. However, I realized I was blogging a LOT, and I figured it wasn't healthy to be that upset all the time. I thought that I was using my blog as a way to deny that I was acting depressed or something so - I made myself stop blogging... and life got REALLY stressful.

Did I notice? Yes. Did I start blogging again? No. I was determined to work through it no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

Oh my Jeana, I'm an idiot. haha.

My life has begun to get pieced back together very slowly... but it's getting there. And I guess, the one way I can really help it along is to start writing again. You may be wondering,

"Lauren, what made you decide to start blogging again?"

And that's a good question. I've been asking myself that very same question for a while now, and I think I've finally got an answer.

You see, a few weeks ago, I took a HUGE step in my faith and did something I never thought I'd ever do - I went to Mexico for a week long missions trip. It was way out of my comfort zone, and I don't feel I did as well as I could have had I not been so stressed about stupid things, but it was a great time for me to form relationships with people, get closer to God, and explore possible paths he wants me to take in the future. It seriously was a blessing to be down there, doing His work and learning more about him... even having one of our "you really have it out for me?" talks in the process... haha!

The week was good - but it was hard. I didn't sleep hardly at all that whole week, just lay awake in the tent throughout the night, thinking. I hadn't brought a journal with me, due to my whole swearing off blogging idiocy, so that left me to simply ponder what was bouncing around in my head. Every night I had questions, every night I had ideas and prayer requests and all sorts of crazy little tidbits of information. Every night I thought about how worried I had been in the morning, how stressed... how certain things upset me, how I got angry about other things, and how - in the end - everything still managed to pull itself together.

I started thinking about why I swore off blogging to begin with... about why I blogged, and why I thought it wasn't healthy to do so... and I started to realize that maybe I was wrong... maybe being upset about things, getting stressed, being sad - they weren't really signs of depression, but reactions to questions I have about my life, the direction it's taking, and ultimately what God has planned for it. And blogging was just the way I organized these thoughts, questions, and reactions, and was able to sort out answers for myself.

You see, I've been really looking at my life since getting back from Mexico. Things happened before I left and after I returned, and they've left me with nothing but questions... and it dawned on me that I'm never more complete than when I have questions about life. Then when I'm pondering if I'm doing God's will, if I'm where I'm supposed to be, if I'm making the right decisions, all of that. When I stop trying to fix my own problems, figure out what I want to do instead of what God wants me to do, he shows me, manages to use me in ways I never thought possible.

SO - if blogging is how I deal with the emotions that come with the questions, then I'll go ahead and do it.

And don't worry - I'll blog about Mexico soon enough... and well... everything, really. I have so much to blog about, and I really need to get caught up. :) Consider Limitless Ramblings "on the mend." :)