I'll be missing you this Christmas, 2008...

Dooo Dooo Dooo DooooYeah Yeah
Dooo Dooo Dooo Doooo
Dooo Dooo Dooo DooooYeah Yeah
Dooo Dooo Dooo Doooo


There was a time when all was broken, The fault was mine
I watched my bridges burning, I had started the fire
I ran out of hope, I ran out of excuses
I ran out of time, I ran into You and learned…


That your love is the one thing that I can’t run out of
Your love is the one thing that’s always been enough
And there is never a time when you’re not by my side
You’ve proven your love is the one thing that I can’t run out of


Dooo Dooo Dooo DooooYeah Yeah
Dooo Dooo Dooo Doooo


Such conviction, there’s no question that I was being chased
Goodness and mercy, both follow me, I was stalked by grace
I ran out of fear, I ran out of losing
I ran in and found you running to me….yeah…


Your love is the one thing that I can’t run out of
Your love is the one thing that’s always been enough
And there is never a time when you are not by my side
You’ve proven your love is the one thing that I can’t run out of


Dooo Dooo Dooo DooooYeah Yeah
Dooo Dooo Dooo Doooo


There is never a time when you’re not by my side
You’ve proven your love, is the one thing
Your love is the one thing…


Your love is the one thing that I can’t run out of
Your love is the one thing that’s always been enough
And there’s never a time when you’re not by my side
You’ve proven your love is the one thing that I can’t run out of


Dooo Dooo Dooo Doooo Oh Yeah Yeah
Dooo Dooo Dooo Doooo
Yeah your love is the one thing
Oh Yeah
You’re always, always by my side


Your love is the one thing
Your love is the one thing
Your love is the one thing
Your love is the one thing
Your love is the one thing
Your love is the one thing….

So - I was going to cheat and give you just a bunch of blog posts from the boys, but I decided against it and wanted to try my hand at giving you all a REAL post for once. I've been kind of lame the past few days - I used friends as an excuse but really, I just haven't had anything to blog about. Now, don't worry, I'll still share Donnie's holiday wishes with you - it was the one that made me smile the biggest. But I'll just link you to Jon's and Joe's... But before I do that, let's get this underway.

Christmas is only something like 6 days away... and I have to step back and review how remarkable it is that it's so close. I've been thinking back to years passed, and I can't remember a single time when Christmas has ever snuck up on me. As far as I can remember, it's always been me at the very start of December anticipating Christmas and it's gift bearing arrival.

It isn't so this year. I haven't done any Christmas shopping, and the gift bearing arrival is less than a week away. Not to mention, it's not like my days are empty from now till then...

So - I think it has something to do with the fact that this year, I really dove into life. In years passed, December meant the end of school, the end of responsibilities, the end of the year. December meant relaxation, it meant family visiting, it meant a new start. It meant Christmas, and I had always anticipated that season, even if I had my moments when I despised Christmas day. Not actual Christmas day; I didn't despise Jesus' birth, but I despised the Americanized Christmas, the one that meant people being insane and rushing around and buying gifts and thus buying people's love. No matter how I was feeling, though, Christmas always stayed the same, and it never snuck up on me.

This year, Christmas must have spent it's off season training to be a ninja because I didn't even see it coming till I read someone's Happy Holiday's blog and went, HOLY HAITIAN, BATMAN! Christmas is just around the corner!!!

And I'm not looking forward to it one bit - but we aren't there yet.

I think the reason it snuck up on me is, like I said, I dove into life this year. December was by no means easy - I had a lot to look forward to, and a lot I had to do. Instead of having just 1 night of an improv show I had to do, I had 2 nights of a skit show, a children's musical, and 2 nights of an adult Christmas musical. I was helping write the skit show - which happened to fall on the same night as the children's musical, so that was a crazy day - and I directed, blocked, etc. etc. for the Adult musical, as well as acted in it. The adult musical was a week after the Skit show/Children's musical, so I pretty much didn't even see December show up. I was so focused on getting everything put together and not crashing and burning that I was 2 weeks into December before I realized what month it was. ((Anyone who's wondering, everything went REALLY, REALLY well. Thank goodness - it was all God, too))

Now, like I said before, I'm not looking forward to Christmas one bit. One reason is because, like I said, I haven't gone shopping, and I don't have much money to do so even if I wanted to. Another reason is that neither my brother OR my grandpa are coming down to visit this year. I got to see my Grandpa over Thanksgiving but I haven't seen David in a while and I miss him, and I really wish he was coming down.

But the biggest reason would be, I don't want 2008 to end. Interesting conclusion, if you look back to a lot of my blogs/rants/whatever you want to call them from the middle and beginning of this year. A lot of crap happened this year that, at the time, I hated. I can't exactly talk about all of it here, but basically 2008 was filled with anxiety, disappointment, heart break, more disappointment, financial crisis, more heart break, more anxiety, and a presidential election (lol).
But if I really break it down, I had a pretty good year. I dealt with the anxiety, I learned from the disappointment, I got through the heart break, and I grew as a person.

I had a lot of questions at the beginning of this year - do I really want to be an actress? Do I have what it takes? Am I too old? What am I gonna do without my friends? Am I going to be alone forever? Is this where God wants me in life? Am I missing his signals? etc. etc. whine whine so on and so forth.

But to be completely honest, this year was one of the best of my life, not the worst, and I don't want it to be over. I don't want to have to tackle another year when I've already achieved so much in this one.

Do I really wanna be an actress?? the answer to that is ABSOLUTELY I DO. I've been through so much acting wise this year, and OMG I loved every second of it! I may have complained, ripped my hair out, lost sleep, ran from place to place, freaked out, and panicked, but it was fantastic, and now I know I can do it even through all of that. Will it get worse? Will it get more difficult? I hope so! I'm looking forward to where this will take me - even if it ends up fizziling out in the end.

Do I have what it takes? I'm still alive, aren't I? I'm actually extremely proud of myself for not giving up. Never in my life have I had something in my hands for the first time and NOT quit when things got difficult... It means something - at least to me - that I stuck it out with all that was going on. Says to me that, if I don't yet have what it takes, I'm pretty dang close.

Am I too old?? That was the hardest one to get over, to be completely honest. I was so sure that I had missed my chance. I hadn't gotten started when I should have, and now I was far too old to acquire the skills I needed to make it far... that I was too old to get started in this profession, I was too old to turn heads. It wasn't until September that I was finally able to admit that there's no such thing as too old... Sept. 28th to be exact... if that date means nothing to you, well, then... I can't help you... but I know there are people out there that know what it is. The live Boston broadcast, the one that perked my radar... the one that got me asking questions, and ultimately lead to me seeing THIS music video and crying tears of joy. Clearly, there was no such thing as "too old" when it came to talent.

What am I going to do without my friends? This question was in two parts... but it doesn't matter the details behind the two parts, because I really didn't have to ask that question. The truth is, I have some AMAZING friends, ones that I didn't even know I had, and I don't need to worry about not having any unless I go through some drastic personality changes and chase them all away. :)

Am I going to be alone forever?? Absolutely not. Even if I never find a significant other, I still have amazing friends, family, extended family, etc, that are always going to be there, and even if I chase them all away - I've learned that God will still be there for me... I'm not going to be alone forever, because I was never alone to begin with.

Is this where God wants me in this life? Am I missing his signals? I think I've experienced enough of God telling me what to and what NOT to do that, if I missed his signals telling me I'm on the wrong path, they've been REAL subtle. And it's been my experience that God is not into subtlety.

I like who I've become - I like how much I've grown in this past year, and I think that's why I don't want the year to end. In all reality, I don't want to say goodbye. As soon as this year ends, it's all a memory... it's all a memory now, but when the year ends I have to start saying last year, 2 years ago, 3 years ago... etc. etc.

I hated this year when it started, didn't want anything to do with it... but now I can honestly look back on the past year, on the choices I had to make, on the events I had to go through, and say I'm honestly glad I lived through it all. Say I'm THANKFUL for every pitfall, every tough decision, every night I cried myself to sleep or ran home angry at people that meant the world to me. I'm thankful for the chance to have to figure out how to piece my heart back together, I'm thankful for everyone God gave me to help with that process. I'm thankful for every single second I tore my hair out and got stress induced stomach aches. I'm thankful for the fact that I have no fingernails, lol. Because now I'm someone I never thought I could be; I've seen things in myself that I didn't think I had, I've witnessed myself do things I didn't think I could do. I've surpassed even MY expectations. I'm thankful for all of that, because without it, I couldn't sit here and be thankful for all that came from it.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and a Happy New Year.

Now - you may be asking why I chose to share Donnie's blog with you instead of Jon's or Joe's... and to be completely truthful, it's not because Donnie's my favorite, or because I absolutely love him, and it certainly isn't because Jon's and Joe's posts aren't as good... it's simply because Donnie's post was my inspiration. Remember? Last post I said inspiration was going to bean me in the head with a 2x4??? Well, apparently, inspiration is not as mean as I thought he would be... he instead gave me a bear hug and patted me on the head. Plus, Donnie's post just made me smile... they usually do... and... well, Kayla you know the rest... :)

So - here: